Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
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Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
what the
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen