Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
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Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying