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My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
when there are deer in the woods
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!