My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
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[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”