It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
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I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon