The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
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Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.