Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
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Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
I only eat vegetarians.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
i meant to share this earlier