I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
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Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Saving my good tweets for marriage