Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
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It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
*Seductively hides in the woods
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED