When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
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So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.