Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
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{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.