I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
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Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
happy valentine’s day to me
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads