the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
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Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
This week’s mood.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad