normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
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*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
the #horror is real!
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
an octopus is just a wet spider
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls