People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
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Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Twitter fine art
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.