Dude just wanted a popsicle…
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Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Natural selection at its finest
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Are we there yet?…
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON