convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
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An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Do not levitate over flowers
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time