Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
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Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
The first matador
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”