Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
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I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
They got a point!
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat