I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
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in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Netflix: We have Less
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself