Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
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Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.