interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
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Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
🛁
Good advice.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]