All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
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5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up