Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
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Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Single and childfree like Jesus
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry