Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
You Might Also Like
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?