In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
You Might Also Like
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…