Happy Friday
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Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Denise please return my vape pen