“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
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Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it