I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
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Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Do not levitate over flowers
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.