Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
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[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??