I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
You Might Also Like
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
This will never not be funny 😭
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.