5 ways to appear taller
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BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Not recommended for beginners.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.