You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
You Might Also Like
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not