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Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.