Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
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Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.