I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
You Might Also Like
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
ugh not again
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation