INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
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5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
just gave your address to some spiders
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.