90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
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Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex