billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
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*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Thinking about Jeff
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille