“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
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Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
some Old Testament wisdom
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?