Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
You Might Also Like
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well