What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
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9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Birds & Planes.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Bed should get ready for ME
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Yes, this is exactly right
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
cat vs inanimate object
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.