All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
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Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?