What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
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[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Greeting humans vs their dogs
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Investing in beetcoin
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
My plans: 2020:
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.