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*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
It’s a gift
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!