I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
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Life’s too short to have your shit together.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*