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I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Don’t snitch tag.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?