I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
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I don’t hate children, just yours.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.