My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
You Might Also Like
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Good point.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…