Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
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[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday